Lunaran.com Matthew Breit Level Designer | Texture Artist
Sat, Nov 29th, 2008 | 10:44pm
Enter the patient with a weird combination of symptoms that isn't explained by any known disease or condition. Commercial break.
Spend five minutes shooting down suggestions (It's lupus! It's not lupus! Drugs!) while House is completely distracted by personal issues and berates his employees over their private lives which the writers desperately try to spin as him trying to help them in his own quirky way! even though it's the writers merely fantasizing about berating people they know over their private lives. Half the show is spent on chicanery, House being sexist towards Cuddy, and supporting cast breaking into the patient's home while discussing what's up House's ass this week, after which the team decides they know what it is and they must operate. They have to be wrong because it's only been twenty minutes, so during the operation they discover something else which means it can't be the thing they thought it was. Commercial break.
As the patient approaches death, they revise their theory and House must do something unethical to trick the patient into a treatment they haven't quite confirmed as the correct one yet. Just as the secondary soap opera threads are being tied up and the audience thinks they're sliding into the denouement, something innocuous in House's peripheral vision makes him realize that the patient actually has a piece of rebar lodged in his pancreas or something and all his bizarre inexplicable symptoms can actually be explained by something obvious like tetanus, which everyone on the show conveniently forgot about for an entire hour.
The patient, meanwhile, has gone through unnecessary surgery and incorrect treatments and nearly died, but after his miraculous last-minute diagnosis he somehow doesn't feel the least bit litigious, which is good news for House because he can continue to be a terrible doctor and a terrible person for another week without losing his friends or his job somehow.
So hey, I like him too - I wish I could get away with that every week.
[Edit: I found a new reason why writing a custom CMS and template engine for lunaran.com was dumb: I managed to make "show the last five news updates" the most complicated not-straightforward query in the verse, and this wafer-thin rant turned out to be all it finally took to push it over the unreasonably-sized-query limit that I didn't know I was anywhere near. I'll probably just get rid of the News tab entirely, since it doesn't really lead to the most worthwhile content on the site anyway. 12-13-08]